I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
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That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
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