Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
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I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Holy crap this is wonderful
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.