Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
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*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
What the hell is going on?
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Bond. Trauma bond.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy