doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
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The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.