Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
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Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.