Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
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I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
🙋♀️
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.