I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
You Might Also Like
Found the job I’m suited for
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty