For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
You Might Also Like
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
this is me
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”