Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
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My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
How do dragons blow out candles?
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
😜
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.