Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
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Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
*checks Timeline*…
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.