My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
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If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
cats when you pet them too long:
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
🤣🤣
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?