“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
You Might Also Like
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”