You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
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Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Just a bush.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor