Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
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Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.