Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
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Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
BETRAYAL
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
same energy
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno