I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
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Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option