Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
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So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe