“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
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Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
@ candidates for local office
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.