careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
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Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that