me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
You Might Also Like
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar