some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
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If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
BRAKING NEWS!!
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]