My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
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Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.