My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
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Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.