There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
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Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR