Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
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Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Yup!
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces