Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
You Might Also Like
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Its a hippotatomus
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry