If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
You Might Also Like
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…