Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
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Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
#math
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.