Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
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[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.