WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
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beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
nice challenge
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”