doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
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You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
*launders Kohls cash*
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.