Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
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I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I hope Alan is OK
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?