Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
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It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.