I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
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Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*