DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
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My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.