Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
You Might Also Like
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Mmmm. Shoeshi
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else