The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
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Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat