Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
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Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.