I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
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If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school