My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
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Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.