I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
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My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”