Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
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MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.