Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
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If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.