“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
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If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress