[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
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“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Well, my evening plans are ruined