I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
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[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane