*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
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No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
#merica
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*