Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
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Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
“What movie?” 🤔
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?