Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
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You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.