people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
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Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.